"Dear Debi..."
Q&A
Here's advice Debi has shared with audience members during Q&A sessions or in response to e-mails. Follow her advice at your own risk! Do you have a question or comment for Debi? Share your thoughts by clicking here.
Question: I am a newlywed and am afraid the honeymoon is over! My husband and I need to make major decisions and cannot agree on what to do, let alone understand the other's point of view. We love each other, but this is our first time to not think alike and it's scary. What should I do?
Answer: Don't panic. That will only lead to saying hurtful words ("Why didn't you tell me you were a whack job before I married you?") or making snap decisions that will haunt you forever ("I'm so stressed out; I'll be comforted by signing up to be a lifetime member of the Figurine-of-the-Week Club!")
Almost every new driver has a fender-bender within the first year of getting a licence. Even though you know you're supposed to call the cops, your insurance agent and, if you're really shaken, your mommy, it's still unnerving. Likewise, the first communication crisis in married life is scary and disorienting. So besides the "don't panic" advice, don't doubt your relationship either. Disagreeing is normal, but disagreeing in a healthy way that moves toward resolution is a learned skill. Consider these suggestions:
- Table stressful topics Busy couples often do most of their talking either before bed -- a terrible time to trigger a heavy discussion! -- or when they just have a few minutes between obligations -- enough time to get riled, but not enough to reach resolution. Set a guideline that any emotionally charged issue will be tabled to a mutually convenient time ASAP. Make an appointment with each other to discuss one stressful topic. The appointment must have a beginning and ending time, otherwise your husband will dread meeting with you! You may need to meet in a public place so that neither of you can stomp out, slam doors or sling objects.
- Take the pressure off From other things you said, it seems your personality is "take charge" while your husband's is "take cover." The more intense you get about a subject, the more your husband withdraws. (A friend of mine in a similar situation likened her husband to a frightened turtle who hides inside his shell, while she's the angry wasp dive-bombing him again and again and again.) Attacking others seldom spurs them to positive action; it just makes them defensive and resentful -- or they may act in a half-hearted manner just to shut you up. Is that what you want? Just because your husband isn't as intense and worked-up as you are doesn't mean he didn't hear you or doesn't care. You need to chilax. If he sees the coast is clear, he's more likely to come out of his shell.
- Timeline it on paper It's best to do this together, but you can do it yourself if you have the right attitude (meaning your approach is that of a supportive partner, not a disapproving parent.) Let's say the problem is your car is kaput. Write down every option: fund major repairs, replace it, carpool, take taxis, or quit your jobs so you don't need wheels. Remember to keep it simple; don't overwhelm your husband with a complicated, footnoted, color-coded thesis in a ring-binder. Get it all summarized on one sheet of paper. Give it to your husband and say, "Would you please do me a favor? Look this over and think about it for a few days. Then can we go out for coffee and brainstorm about it?" Put that way, he can't turn you down.
- Trust God Are you mainly looking to your husband to make you happy and meet your every need? He's going to disappoint you, just as you will disappoint him. It's inevitable. Your husband's not omniscient or all-powerful. He doesn't transcend time and space. He can't fully understand your heart or satisfy your soul. Only God can do those things. Until you trust God with your very life -- no matter what happens, no matter what your husband does or doesn't do -- you will be anxious and unsettled. To lessen your stress and increase your peace, check out God's word here. Be inspired to know God more by watching this video set to Chris Tomlin's song, "Indescribable" here.
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Question: I am so overwhelmed with all that I have to do, I am starting to have panic attacks and insomnia. How can I organize my life to get everything done?
Answer: As the former poster child for burn out, I deeply empathize with your stress level and frustration. More than once, I went to the ER with chest pain that turned out to be "just stress." I also suffered with insomnia for years. (See how I got over it in the chapter called "Work Now, Sleep Never" of my book, Martha to the Max.)
But look again at your question. It's just another way of saying, "How can I reach perfection?" You might as well get in your car and drive with the goal of reaching the horizon. It's impossible! So first, see a doctor. Tell her about your physical symptoms before you crash and burn. If you need meds to help you calm down and sleep, take 'em and don't feel guilty about it. They'll help your body at this critical time until lifestyle changes are in place that will allow you to taper off or forgeo them entirely. Then browse through these bullet points and find relief from the one that appeals most to you right now:
- Accept the unfulfilled: Make peace with the fact that not everything will get done to your satisfaction on your timetable.
- Embrace your boundaries: Don't fight against your limits or get angry when your body won't keep up with your mind's demands for productivity.
- Revisit the play area: Do something fun that you LOVED when you were a kid, like swinging, flying a kite or jumping on a bed.
- Get alone with God: Walk around the block, sit on your porch or find someplace where you and God can hear each other clearly.
The inner anxiety that's squeezing you can lessen, and while this short answer won't make it all go away overnight it will get you started in the right direction to recovery. I'll be praying for you!
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Question: When it comes to sex, my husband and I want the same thing: to be pursued. This makes no sense to me at all! I think he, as the man, should pursue me. The sex is good when we have it, but the problem is frequency because both of us want the other to make the first move ... and the second move ... and the third move. Do you have any ideas to help us?
Answer: Usually wanting the same thing is good, but in this case it's keeping you apart. I say, make a game out of it -- like tag! Take turns being "it" and use the discovery of a simple object to tag one another. Use a coaster, a piece of junk mail, a clothes pin -- something that the kids (who are born snoopers!) will never question but you and your husband know that it means, "Let the games begin!" When you find the item in your sock drawer, ta-da! You're it! Pursue your husband! Later, you hide the item for him to find -- maybe on the seat of his car or in his gym bag. Playing hard to get can be fun and build excitement, but only when you take turns at it. (BTW, Web readers, this mom loved the idea and said she will use a box of her husband's favorite candy: Hot Tamales!)
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Question: I'm a stay-at-home mom with three young children. My husband comes home from work and is always disappointed with how little I got done during the day. How can I get him to understand what my life is like?
Answer: For all the talk about equality between men and women, some things will never, ever, EVER be equal. For example, greet your husband wearing one of his dress shirts, and suddenly you're cute and sexy and sultry. But if he greets you in one of your blouses, he's just scary. Another example: You can have girlfriends, but he can't have boyfriends. Keeping tally marks in marriage -- as if every little thing has an equal counterpart -- is a reeeeally bad idea.
Let's contrast his situation and yours for a sec. He works in a professional environment with educated adults who understand teamwork, can function independently and enjoy business lunches at restaurants with real plates. You work in a chaotic environment with illiterate, non-potty-trained people who continually interrupt and undermine you, and often your lunch is the cold pizza crust from the high chair tray. What about that is equal? Nothing. On the other hand, he may have to endure a marathon of boring meetings while you get to visit with other moms at the park and stop for ice cream on the way home.
Before getting defensive about perceived productivity, ask yourself if he's making a valid point. Are you so much of a super-mommy-playmate to your kids that you've disengaged from household tasks? Has discouragement or depression taken hold to the point that you can't handle the usual domestic demands? Or is your husband just a big whiney baby?
Ask your husband to identify his No. 1 priority. If it's an immaculate home, then tell him the only way that may happen is to park the kids in front of videos all day and/or hire a cleaning service. Encourage your husband to make his No. 1 expectation specific. Would he feel better if all the bedrooms are tidy, or if the kitchen is spotless? Or maybe he doesn't care about the house but instead wants all the bills paid or the laundry done or a fantastic evening meal. Put the ball in his court and remind him that everything's a tradeoff. (Also be aware that his complaint about your productivity might go into a deeper issue, but let's try simple things first.)
The most important thing? Something I discounted for years thinking it was an outdated, last-ditch effort: pray. Ask God to help your husband and you love each other more every day, and to protect your marriage from arguing and discontent.
Do you have a question or comment for Debi? Share your thoughts by clicking here.